We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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