I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
