Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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