we have officially lost it.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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