I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
