Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
