a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
