i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
