Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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