just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
