I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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