I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
