Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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