Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
