hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
