I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
