I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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