I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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