I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
