First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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