Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize