I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
