Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she told me i tasted like america
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize