the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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