like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
