Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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