i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
