My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love you.
Bad choice
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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