to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
