It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
