You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
