Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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