Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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