I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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