i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
