I think i peed on brittanys purse
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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