Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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