The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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