your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
