God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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