Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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