is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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