It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I want her autograph on my taint
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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