there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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