and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
