Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
