and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We left the knife in your bed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
