just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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