The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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