It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
