someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
