she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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