The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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