Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize