I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
