i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
