I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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