Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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