Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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