Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize